09
Jan
10

an open letter to rock racing’s michael ball

Mike…can call you Mike?  I heard the UCI finally kicked your Pro Continental license application to the curb.  Harsh.  Sorry to hear that, bro.   Those stiffs at the UCI didn’t even give a reason, just ‘bam, no luck, try again later.’   And here you thought money could buy you love.  However, you’ve got to admit being the halfway house for a group of convicted dopers does wonders for the bad boy image, those licensing folks and race organizers try to keep things a little more squeaky.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to offer unsolicited advice but a couple notes if you try to get the license next time around. First, the damn interweb is everywhere.  So when you go to the Rock Racing site, I’d make the following changes.  First, take the pictures of Tyler “I doped stupid to get caught and end this horrible agonizing fraud” Hamilton down.  Sure, I can understand your “theory” of everybody deserves a second chance.  Tyler got his, chewed it up, spit it out and became a cautionary tale…again. Next, put something on the website that’s actually about the racing and the team.   When the only “information” is the current sale on the closeout stuff you couldn’t get rid of last year and what’s coming soon…little tough to understand the credentials of the team doctors, the philosophies, victories, or even the roster.  Substance over style…who would’ve thought?  But you convinced people to spend $200 on a pair of jeans, so what do I know about marketing?

So now I’m guessing you’ve got a couple roster spots open.  The rumor mill ground up that Landis (semi-surprising) and Simoni (really?) were going to be wearing the skulls n’ wings as long as you got that precious license.  I’ve got the perfect rider for you…me.  I know…I’m relatively (ok, completely) unknown.  But, here’s what I can offer.

  • The coolest tattoos on the team.  Great colors to match with the 37 different kits you’ll want to market throughout the course of one season.  Arms and legs.
  • No prior record or suspicion of doping by WADA, USADA, UCI, AFLD or the PTA.  And I’m not and never have been a doper – you need somebody to provide a quick clean urine or blood sample, I’m willing to sleep in GC contender’s bathtubs in case a surprise USADA official shows up before breakfast.
  • Budget saver – a couple bikes, a few kits, entry fees into races and a few rides in the team bus, and I’m good.  Plus I’m a regular old US citizen.  Since most the races you’ll be doing are gathering appearance fees at local crits and bike shops, you won’t have any pesky hassles with Visas or immigration lawyers.  Bonus points – I can write in complete sentences and put marketing spin on a polished poop.  Save you a PR salary or two.
  • I’ve got one of my degrees in Philosophy.  Always a good PR thing, makes it sound like you’ve got a contemplative, silent leader-type on the road.

What I’m sayin’ is “holla” or “gimme a shout” or whatever it is those crazy kids in LA or NYC are saying these days.  But, seriously…call me.

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